BFN

Another BFN on the table for us. I actually have known since Friday (8dp5dt) because I took a HPT and it ended up being negative. I tried to hold out hope that it could still possibly be positive, but I was 95% sure that it would be another failure for us. This is our 4th infertility treatment procedure. Our first was an IUI that was BFN, our second was IUI that was BFP, ended in miscarriage, our third was IVF – live transfer, BFN, and now our fourth was IVF – FET, another BFN. It’s been a very frustrating, year long journey with the RE. Joe is very frustrated that we aren’t getting the results that we are wanting and he is getting frustrated seeing me upset and going through this. And I am on board with him with those same feelings.

What I’ve learned from this cycle is that even when things are “perfect”, science can only go so far when nature takes over and makes the ultimate decision on if it will work or not. We had a A+ embryo, that survived the thaw, it was our farthest along in development and it was assisted in hatching. I had a perfect lining, we had a perfect transfer, every component of this cycle was “perfect” yet here we are with another BFN. When it really comes down to it, it doesn’t matter that I didn’t drink any alcohol or caffeine, it doesn’t matter that my diet was good and I exercised, it doesn’t matter that I had acupuncture. Of course all of these things are great for your overall fertility health, but trust me, smoking a cigarette or having a beer isn’t going to make or break a cycle. I’m not saying that I would do these things, I do as instructed by the doctor, but there are millions of people out there who do all of these things and then some and they get pregnant. Nature is the ultimate decider.

I’d really like to do one more cycle this year and then if things don’t work out I will be ready to take a break from all of this and focus on our house. Maybe we just have to sacrifice one dream for another for the moment. Maybe we aren’t meant to be building a house and having a baby at the same time. Maybe that is not our fate. I really don’t know and neither does anyone else. I have a feeling that I will be struggling to find optimism for this next cycle. I’m not really sure that conditions can be any better than they were this time. That has been what’s been becoming the hardest part for me about infertility. With each failure, the optimism and positivity just seem to start slipping away and you start expecting a failure. I was so certain that that first IUI was going to be all we needed and now here we are a year later with little progress made. But I hate to believe that all that we have been through will be for nothing so I have to keep at it.

Friday Favorites!

Favorite Moment:

This was a pretty quiet week.  Nothing as significant going on as previous weeks and honestly, I’m ok with that.  Sometimes it’s nice to not have as much going on.  I will say that on Tuesday we took a ride to Naperville to pick out our slab of granite for the kitchen and that was exciting! 

New Venetian Gold

Favorite TV moment:

SOA is back and I will be brutally honest, I am really happy that this is the final season.  Don’t get me wrong, I love the show & Jax is a hottie, but I’m so glad we will have a resolution.  The end of last season just did it for me.  Between Opie and Tara I just hate the show.  I have a feeling that it will end with Gemma out on top, even though I want to see her dead, it seems like Kurt Sutter always does the unexpected! 

your Friday dose of hot man sauce! 

Favorite Pin:

Favorite Recipe:

Wardrobe Resolution Update:

I’m officially 12 days into the resolution today.  This week I started to unfollow the Vintage, Apricot, KiKi, Gypsy, Julep, Boutiques so that I’m not tempted.  Also, if a friend likes a page, for some reason, Facebook thinks it’s important to let me know so that maybe I can like it too, well you can unsubscribe from those posts as well.  Next item on the list is cleaning up the email.  Between Just Fab, American Eagle, Shoe Dazzle, & more, the temptation is definitely everywhere!  I figure out of sight, out of mind!

Favorite Thing I’m looking forward to:

Girls night in Indiana this weekend with my bestie and my two favorite nieces!  Joe has a bachelor party in Chicago on Saturday so I’m going to head over to Indy to hang out with some of my favorite ladies.  Jocelyn has a soccer game on Saturday evening so I’ll be able to watch her play for the first time.  And of course lots of baby snuggles with the newest little peanut. 

I’m also, of course, looking forward to my beta test next week.  I have been a completely nervous wreck this week, worse than last time.  I think it’s because if things seemed perfect last time, than things seem completely flawless this time, an embryo that was a little bit farther in development, survived the thaw, is A+ quality, a perfect uterine lining for supporting implantation, the conditions are just right, so if this is another failure, I’m think I will just be more disappointed than ever.  I’m really not sure where things will go from here if we get another BFN, but I’m still taking to heart that I’m PUPO, and feel confident about this cycle being the one!  

Favorite Funnies:

6dp5dt

Today I am 6 days post 5 day transfer & I’m feeling pretty good. Trying to stay positive every day, but I’ve been on a roller coaster of emotions since the transfer, ups and downs, highs and lows all week. In the 2 days immediately following the transfer I felt very calm and at ease. I watched a ton of silly movies from Captain Ron, Sherlock Holmes, Son in Law, The Other Guys, etc. which helped take my mind off things and keep me smiling and keep my spirits up.

Symptoms have been really minimal. Practically nothing except for a few twinges of cramping, maybe like once a day since 4dp5dt. At first I was worried because in the morning of 4dp5dt I had felt nothing, not one iota of a symptom and I got worried. My TTC sisters reminded me (via Instagram) that I shouldn’t worry, and that every pregnancy and every woman is different, and that many of them didn’t feel any symptoms when they got their BFP. I am really hoping that the lack of symptoms is a good sign. Last time I had very significant cramping from about 3dp5dt until the day I found out that it was BFN. The cramping was intense and it was on and off all day long.

Yesterday on our way to Naperville to pick out our granite I had a pretty intense cramp and I immediately slumped down in the car and sighed and started to worry, it’s sooo unbelievably hard not to symptom spot, and I say that I don’t take the symptoms to heart, but I do. I had myself convinced that the cramps were going to get worse as the night progressed and I literally kept myself up half the night worrying about it. I never fell into a really deep sleep because I just knew those cramps were going to come, but guess what? They didn’t! Since then I have had really nothing again. I hate obsessing over this, but I just cannot help myself!

It’s so hard to convince yourself that you could actually be pregnant when all you’ve had is let down after let down for such a long time. I know that this could be it, but I am also reminding myself that it might not be and we might have to continue this journey if we want our miracle. I know that I’m only on my 2nd IVF cycle and there are women out there who have been through 3 and 4 or more cycles before they got their BFP, they are the ones who really inspire me to keep it up until it happens because eventually, it will. I keep trying to make decisions about what we should do next, making a plan, before a plan is even needed. That’s just me though.

I am highly considering doing a HPT this time around too, probably this weekend, before my beta so that I can better prepare myself when I get the phone call saying YAY or NAY. I’ve never POAS before a beta, I’ve always just waited it out, but I think this time I might just give in and give it a try. Just thinking about it makes me a nervous wreck, seriously like had to stop mid thought and bite the skin off my nail (my nervous habit) before I could continue writing it down.

All of these thoughts and emotions are completely normal from what I can tell and if they aren’t, well then I don’t really care, it’s how I’m feeling and it’s how I’m handling the situation, emotions are practically impossible to control. This week is basically flying by and I know it’s only a few more days before our first beta. There is nothing more I can do besides have faith that it worked and continue to pray that we will get the outcome that we are so desperately awaiting.