My HCG level dropped to a 4 as of today. I was instructed to discontinue my meds as of today. You know the saying “trust your intuition”, well it is the truth, trust it and it will not steer you wrong. I knew when Tuesday’s results came back that the level has stayed the same that this was going to take a turn for the worst, and it did.
When I think about this
journey I think back to the beginning and how naïve I was. Back in October 2013 we were fresh in the
fertility world I had no clue what was in store for us. And almost 2 years to THE DAY, I am
miscarrying again for a second time. Its
very heart breaking to think we are still basically stuck in the same position
that we were at that time except for in 2013 we hadn’t committed as much as we
have at this point to infertility. Are
we just a bunch of suckers? Kind of
seems like it.
In 27 months we have had 2
IUIs, 6 cycles of IVF, and 2 miscarriages.
We have consulted with 4 doctors and have been treated by 3. We have transferred NINE embryos, NINE! And only one of those has implanted, and only
just barely. Although we have come a
long way, when I look at it on paper, we have made very little progress and now
I am more heartbroken than ever. I have
watched so many women get pregnant and that is part of being involved in the
TTC community, you see the success stories and it’s truly amazing, but you
always wonder if you’ll be on the other side of it. The side that gets to say “I beat infertility”,
and you just never know if you will.
We have a phone consultation
with Dr. Sherbahn on January 26th to discuss the IVF fail and
hopefully determine what could possibly come next for us. I am not sure if I want to gamble with my own
eggs again if the outcome is going to be the same as it was this cycle and I know
there’s no one that can guarantee to me that that won’t happen. I am very curious about what he has to say
and what his suggestions are. Luckily
that is about a month away so that will give us some time to take our minds off
of infertility & IVF (oh come on who am I kidding) and focus on other
aspects of our lives. Then hopefully we
can come up with a little bit of a plan while we are on our break.
I am not getting any younger
and all that is happening with my age is my fertility health is decreasing so I
don’t want to wait too long before taking our next steps. I know that we may need to adjust our sails a
bit and start considering a different route.
I just feel in my heart that is what our next steps are. Do we keep beating our heads against a wall over
and over or do we pick a new route and a different plan of action? Maybe things aren’t going to ever happen the
way we wished them to, maybe it’s just not meant to be that way. The dysfunction of my body may never allow me
to carry out things the way I think they should be carried out. Do I keep working against it or do I start to
work with it? So many questions I never
thought I’d be asking myself at this stage in my life.
Peace out 2015. Although it was an amazing year in so many
ways with our beautiful forever home finally being completed and all of the joy
that that has brought into our lives, we are still fighting a battle that I
know I spend many hours of my day thinking about, obsessing about, worrying
about, & wondering about. 2016,
please be good to us.