Final beta...

My HCG level dropped to a 4 as of today.  I was instructed to discontinue my meds as of today.  You know the saying “trust your intuition”, well it is the truth, trust it and it will not steer you wrong.  I knew when Tuesday’s results came back that the level has stayed the same that this was going to take a turn for the worst, and it did. 

When I think about this journey I think back to the beginning and how naïve I was.  Back in October 2013 we were fresh in the fertility world I had no clue what was in store for us.  And almost 2 years to THE DAY, I am miscarrying again for a second time.  Its very heart breaking to think we are still basically stuck in the same position that we were at that time except for in 2013 we hadn’t committed as much as we have at this point to infertility.  Are we just a bunch of suckers?  Kind of seems like it. 

In 27 months we have had 2 IUIs, 6 cycles of IVF, and 2 miscarriages.  We have consulted with 4 doctors and have been treated by 3.  We have transferred NINE embryos, NINE!  And only one of those has implanted, and only just barely.  Although we have come a long way, when I look at it on paper, we have made very little progress and now I am more heartbroken than ever.  I have watched so many women get pregnant and that is part of being involved in the TTC community, you see the success stories and it’s truly amazing, but you always wonder if you’ll be on the other side of it.  The side that gets to say “I beat infertility”, and you just never know if you will. 

We have a phone consultation with Dr. Sherbahn on January 26^th to discuss the IVF fail and hopefully determine what could possibly come next for us.  I am not sure if I want to gamble with my own eggs again if the outcome is going to be the same as it was this cycle and I know there’s no one that can guarantee to me that that won’t happen.  I am very curious about what he has to say and what his suggestions are.  Luckily that is about a month away so that will give us some time to take our minds off of infertility & IVF (oh come on who am I kidding) and focus on other aspects of our lives.  Then hopefully we can come up with a little bit of a plan while we are on our break. 

I am not getting any younger and all that is happening with my age is my fertility health is decreasing so I don’t want to wait too long before taking our next steps.  I know that we may need to adjust our sails a bit and start considering a different route.  I just feel in my heart that is what our next steps are.  Do we keep beating our heads against a wall over and over or do we pick a new route and a different plan of action?  Maybe things aren’t going to ever happen the way we wished them to, maybe it’s just not meant to be that way.  The dysfunction of my body may never allow me to carry out things the way I think they should be carried out.  Do I keep working against it or do I start to work with it?  So many questions I never thought I’d be asking myself at this stage in my life. 

Peace out 2015.  Although it was an amazing year in so many ways with our beautiful forever home finally being completed and all of the joy that that has brought into our lives, we are still fighting a battle that I know I spend many hours of my day thinking about, obsessing about, worrying about, & wondering about.  2016, please be good to us.