Wednesday, January 06, 2016

On my heart & on my mind...

If you’ve been reading for a while, & whether you’re infertile or not, then you know that patience is probably one of the biggest lessons of this journey.  You know just as well as I do that we wait around for  A LOT of different things during infertility treatment and it is one of the biggest challenges I think we face.  If you’re anything like me, you have very little patience.  I never have, and I never probably will, even after the lessons that I’ve learned about patience while on our journey, I don’t think I’ll ever truly know how to truly be patient.

Right now I am struggling.  I’m still feeling blue about the whole situation and it seems to be taking me longer than it ever has before to pull myself out of the sadness I am feeling.  I’m not sure if it was because I had a renewed sense of excitement about this cycle that I watched crumble so unexpectedly before my eyes, or if it’s just that I subconsciously know that this might be the end of a chapter for us.  Maybe it’s because of the holidays, maybe it’s because my SIL delivered her two beautiful IVF twin girls the same day I was told I would officially be miscarrying; I’m not sure I’ll ever really be able to tap in to my emotions and figure out WHY this has hit me the hardest it has in a long time, and I don’t know if I really care to know. 

What I do know is that I am more than ready to speak to my doctor and I won’t be able to for another 20 days! TWENTY DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We will have no answers until then and all I have been doing since then is running through the scenarios and coming up with my own assumptions as to why things happened & what is next for us.  This is where I wish there was an on/off switch for parts of the brain.  If I could turn this off I would.  It’s so hard to not think about something when it is all you’ve thought about for going on 5 years.  Retraining your brain to think of something other than what you’ve thought about multiple times a day for give or take 1500 or so days takes a lot of work and probably some counseling. 

Regardless of the fact that we have to wait practically 3 weeks before we get answers, my intuition and my heart are speaking to me very clearly.  I have kept it mostly to myself as I know that it is important to take my focus off of infertility treatment as best as I can, and  put all of my efforts into my marriage and other aspects of my life.  I know what I want for our lives and I know what I am willing to do and what I’m not willing to do to make it happen. 

In less than 6 months I will be turning 30 which I think is a huge milestone and something that I am actually welcoming, but I also know in terms of fertility health, my age is working against me.  Although I am still considered young & have about 5 years before my fertility health really takes a turn for the worse, it is the one part about turning 30 that worries me.  I have set a lot of expectations for myself this year and I would really like to see our dreams finally come to fruition after all that we have been through.

This has undoubtedly been one of the toughest years but also one that holds many blessing as well.  We endured 3 failed IVF cycles, 2 of which were fresh, with 3 different doctors.  We did lots of waiting and wondering, hoping, and wishing for things to work out for us for yet another year, and we are still stuck on this same path.  Luckily we were able to complete our house and move in this summer and it has been such a joy making it our home.  I know that I have a great life with abundant blessings, that I cannot deny, and that should be enough, but I know if we don’t make this happen some way, there will always be a void that cannot be filled. 

Clearly I am rambling, but I just felt the urge to write down everything that has been on my mind.  These are emotions and situations I never ever pictured myself experiencing and I couldn’t forgive myself if I didn’t write them down and share them with the world and reflect on them years down the road to see what has changed and how we have grown.  Thanks again for always sticking around.


  1. Elena,
    I follow your journey since I started my journey with infertility. We have similar diagnosis, same age and perhaps similar personalities as well.... I am cheering for you and will be celebrating your bfp as if it was mine.
    I believe this time has harder because it was right after your failed fet. You didn't have time to grieve and at the same time you were full of hope with this cycle. Now I believe you are grieving everything at the same time. I am praying for God to give you strength. Don't give up. Your time will come.
    I remember when you mentioned a while ago that doing a cycle in Colorado would be an option. If you have the opportunity I would really encourage you to do it. Another option is Cornell, I had 3 cycles there and strongly recommend it.
    I am praying for you!!!

  2. I'm so glad you are still sharing your heart. We can't do this journey alone. None of us ever knows what will actually come next but I do believe the sorrows that we experience can't compare to the blessings that yet await us...but as you said, it's all about waiting. It's ok to be sad, get angry, scream at the sky...that's actually pretty healthy. Keep reaching out. We're all here for you.

  3. Hey there love. I get it. I really do. Even though I haven't gone through one single IVF cycle, I get the age thing. I hoped to be pregnant by 29 too....and now I'm 32. Hang in there hun, you aren't less of a woman because of fact, you are more. You've veen through some shit and made it out the other side. Also? Dr. Jacobs is a pretty cool guy...I would recommmend him in a heartbeat

  4. Thank you so much for sharing such a raw and honest post. This is truly inspiring.

  5. First I am so sorry you suffered another miscarriage, it is so tough. I have no answers for you but know I am thinking of you guys and will continue to follow your journey as long as you share it with us here. Big hugs to you!

  6. Big, big hugs!!! I know it is all so raw & emotional, but am glad to see you still sharing. There is a huge support system out here for you and we are all rooting you on as if this were our own battle. I'll go ahead and say that it totally SUCKS that you can't see your doctor sooner. I can't imagine being left to battle back and forth with my own mind and assumptions. I know how dark of place that can often lead. Thinking of you & Joe often!

  7. You've been on my heart and mind lately. I'm so sorry that you're still fighting this. You are stronger than you think and braver than you think. You're an amazing woman and can do wonderful things. I'm so sorry that you can't see your doctor sooner. You're in my prayers everyday. Sending good vibes to you.

  8. thinking of you all the time girl. i hope you are able to get some answers.

  9. It's good to get your feelings out and write them down! I wish my prayers,
    Love, and hugs to you weren't the only things I could do to help. Hang in there girl! I hate to see you hurting! The 20 day waiting period for your appointment will be here soon! Praying for some answers for you!!! XO

  10. I was diagnosed with poor ovarian reserve and very bad prognosis of having a baby with my own eggs. I was even given the option to consider donor eggs. That was around july 2014. I was absolutely devastated with the news and I arranged an IVF for November 2014 and it failed also, given that I had nothing to lose, I contacted Dr.Agbazara i meet online and he send me his herbal product,. Believe it or not... I am already pregnant within few after his help. contact him today with any kind of problem and be happy like me on ( )


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