FETx3 t-minus 1 day...

Wow, I can't believe it, my 3rd FET is tomorrow!  There are a few reasons why I can't believe it, one of them being that October has flown by in the blink of an eye and I'm starting to panic that the holiday's are literally right around the corner!  The other being that I never thought that I would still be writing these posts about trying to get pregnant.  We have been actively TTC for over 4 years now. Of course that doesn't really mean every single month of those 4 years, it was actually a lot of waiting around for cycles and down regulating to the point that we couldn't even try for natural conception if we wanted to, but we have been pursuing parenthood for over 48 months and it is getting exhausting.  

The worst part about IVF and infertility is that you don't have a guaranteed chance of success.  No one can tell you for certain that it will work or it won't.  I know that people have done twice the amount of cycles that I have in order to become pregnant, and I'm not saying I wouldn't, but failed cycle after failed cycle creates an inevitable numbness and skepticism to any chance that you'll ever achieve your dream.  By this point, shots don't scare me, PIO doesn't scare me, I don't care about tiny little details that I might once have because I know that they're insignificant and mean nothing.  I know that every twinge I will feel after transfer is just PIO side effects, I can't be shocked or surprised, I have little fear or insecurity, I have hardly any feeling at all towards this cycle (and others to come) because I don't know anything different.

Have you ever heard that quote by Albert Einstein, "insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results"... I feel as though I have reached that point, x5.  Yes, we have changed some things about each of our cycles, meds, # of embryos, hell, we even changed clinics and doctors trying to avoid "insanity", but in all reality, an IVF cycle is an IVF cycle, and 5 IVF cycles has become my borderline insanity.

I really hate to sound like a Debbie Downer to anyone new to the world of infertility reading this and being excited for their first round of treatment, or to anyone who thought that I was a beacon of positivity and optimism, normally I am, and I am trying to be (I promise) for this cycle because, and I've said it 100 times over, positive attitude=positive outcome, but I've pretty much proven this theory wrong time and time again as we have traveled on this journey and it's really kind of a shitty realization to have to accept because I have based my life on that theory.  

What I promised to myself with Tuesday's full moon was to release what no longer served me and cleanse my space by removing any negativity and toxicity.  So...going forward from what I just wrote, I will be as enthusiastic and optimistic as I possibly can about this cycle, with every fiber of my being, I will go in with a clear head and a heart full of love for the 2 potential babies that I could be bringing home, permanently.  When you want something so badly, when it's on your mind 24/7, when you dream about it, you fight for it.  You try your damnedest, you make sacrifices, you take risks, you do the impossible for that thing until you have exhausted every possible option and have traveled to the four corners of the earth for that thing.  Tomorrow I will go to my transfer full of positivity and love.  

Moments of Weakness

By now, you all know that I’m a positive and happy person about 95% of the time.  You know how important that a positive outlook is to me and how, even at my worst times, I try to look for the silver lining or on the bright sides, or whatever idiom that best describes being positive.  But, you also know that I am human too.  That means that I have my bad days, I have moments of irritability and anger, or sadness and weakness.  On top of that, you mix human emotion in with some fertility drugs and you can have a lethal concoction that can certainly result in a roller coaster of emotions, often tipping the scales of sanity. 

Last Friday we were at a wedding where children were invited to attend.  I don’t think I have ever been to an event with more babies, children, and pregnant women.  It was a truly beautiful wedding, but I could not get my mind off of the new mom next to me with her 7-week-old son Emmitt, who I accidentally referred to as a girl, the ready-to-pop mom-to-be showing off her bump in her skin tight dress out on the dance floor with her beautiful daughter dancing alongside her, and the adorable ring-bearer with his little cowboy boots on, shy at first, until from behind, dad says, “ there’s mommy, go up to mommy”, and he get the biggest grin on his face, and runs right to her.  Many many precious moments were being had by others that I was so envious weren’t being had by me as well.  Had I not been hopped up on hormones would I still feel this way?  I’m not sure.  Anymore, these types of situations do not get to me, but this was a moment of weakness, completely warranted in my mind, and I couldn’t let it go.  Here I am a week later still thinking about it, writing about it even…

Normally I have a pretty thick skin and I’m not a super sensitive person, I don’t take things personally and I don’t let too much get to me, I’m not offended easily, and in general, I’m usually the voice of reason.  It’s just who I am, I’m a realist most of the time.  Don’t get me wrong, I have BIG DREAMS too, but I can pull myself back into reality pretty easily.  But we are all due for a good crying jag or a scream into a pillow now and then, maybe even a thrown punch or two…we are ALLOWED to have these moments without having to explain them because we are human and sometimes we need to release all those things that we tend to bottle up inside.  We shouldn't have to apologize or be ashamed of our sensitivity.  

To survive this journey (and so many others in life) you have to stay strong and be brave, you’ll end up taking risks you may never thought you could, you’ll constantly be pulling yourself up by your boot straps because there is so much heartache and disappointment, but you have to keep moving, and you’ll certainly feel as though you’re losing your mind more often than not, but you will only visit Crazytown briefly and then you’ll come back to normalcy.  You will be strong and brave whether you like it or not, & probably more so than you ever have before in your life.

But along with being brave and strong and putting your big girl panties on, you’ll have moments of weakness.  I’m here to say that those moments are totally normal and totally needed too.  You can’t be strong 100% of the time; if you are then you’re certainly not human.  We all need a good cry or a good mental breakdown sometimes, whether we are dealing with infertility or just life in general.  Haven’t you seen this meme?

The point is we all have moments of weakness on our journey, whatever that journey may be.  I think sometimes these moments of vulnerability actually help strengthen us in the end.  I think it's important to share these moments, to show that life isn't always perfect and we all struggle with certain situations.  I know that I am blessed beyond measure, and I know that I am a stronger person today because of the challenges that I have faced in my life.  I just hope that we can all understand and welcome these tougher moments of our journey's because they truly do make us stronger in the end.  

Fall Faves so Far...

Now that we’ve actually put a little bit of time into the actual season of Fall, (because I’ll be honest, I was pretty much considering August fall) I thought it would be fun to do a little Fall Favorites sesh here on the blog.

This Fringe Jacket…

I got this sucker for 60% off!  I paid $30 for it from Hollister and I’m in love.  I’ve wanted a fringe jacket forever, and although its faux leather, this will definitely be a staple in my fall wardrobe for as long as possible.  It's still on sale but not as good of a sale... sorry guys!

These Uggs…

I ordered these during Ugg’s Labor Day sale and I got them for $99!  I was so pumped.  They’re super cute and I love the little pink and gold embellishments on the back.  I have been a fan of Uggs since Britney Spears was wearing them in 80° weather when they first came out.  My first pair is over 10 years old and I still wear them, but they’re falling apart!  I also have a knit pair and a tall pair in a sandstone color.  I wear them all constantly and they are well worth the money here in Illinois once the cold weather hits!  Bonus, they're still only $99!

These Kendra Scott Elle Earrings earrings …

My last 2 Rocksbox’s have been amazing.  Both of them had super cute pairs of KS earrings, one had this pair of studs, and the other had these… I ended up buying the studs which came discounted through Rocksbox plus an additional $10 is given by them to spend so I paid $26 for them!  They’re in rotation as my every day earrings and I’m loving them for fall.  And who doesn’t love the classic Elle earrings?  Through my Rocksbox subscription I can get these for $34!! 

This Candle…

Target had these large candles for $8 and they had so many yummy scents, but this one in particular I couldn’t put down, Pumpkin Cheesecake!  I wanted a spoon so I could dig in and eat it, that’s how good it smells. 

This Coffee Cup…

Starbucks has their anniversary coffee and accessories out right now and wouldn’t ya know it, all the packaging has a mermaid on it!  If you follow me on Instagram then you know that I pretty much love mermaids.  Our local Sbucks had this super cute mermaid tail coffee cup and I had to have it.  Isn’t it just precious?

These boots...

My sweet house guest had just gotten these boots for her birthday and I immediately became obsessed.  Up until this point I hadn't jumped on the combat boot bandwagon, but had been wanting to.  These were the ones I had to have!  The color is perfect, they're light weight, and I was able to get $10 off plus free shipping for Columbus Day so I only paid $40!  

This Scentsy Warmer...

I'm so obsessed with my new warmer!  I love it because of the Edison bulb which goes perfectly with my lighting in my kitchen!  It's a mini bulb and it's just so cute!  

What are you guys loving this fall?