Another Failed Cycle...

I never in a million years thought I would be writing this post for a 6^th time.  Unfortunately, once you go through so many failures, you’re jaded…you can’t expect a positive because in the last 3 cycles, you haven’t seen one, and the one positive you did see was short-lived.  We are devastated and confused because with SO many things in our favor this cycle, I think we both truly believed it would work, at least up to a certain point. 

In the beginning of my 2ww I felt hopeful, but I lost sight of that hope about a week in and the negativity crept in and took over.  I couldn’t pull myself out it no matter how hard I tried, no matter how many uplifting comments I got on my posts, no matter how much I tried to convince myself it was all possible pregnancy symptoms, I just couldn’t do it.  Then Friday came, and the spotting started, and the typical shoulder pain I experience during my period (I believe it’s a pinched nerve) showed up, the cramping increased, and the moodiness was out of control.  I know my body and I know when my period is coming and this was it.  I knew it was all over but I tried to keep a brave face.  I did not POAS because I didn’t need to, I already knew.

On Monday after I left the hospital for my beta I sent Joe a text to tell him that I wasn’t feeling optimistic at all about this cycle but I didn’t want to say anything before to discourage him.  He said that he felt the same way.  I spent the entire morning crying so much at work that I had to just go home.  I couldn’t focus at all, I just needed to be in my home.  I felt better once I got on my couch, I was able to distract myself and relax with the dog.  Joe got home from work at lunch time and thought the worst had already happened but I told him I just couldn’t take being at work.  The doctor called around 1:30 to hand us the news.  He seemed sincerely sad for us.  I think he was very hopeful for this cycle, but he did say that this isn’t the end for us which is very reassuring.  He said that they reviewed the cycle in its entirety and that they learned some good things and some bad things based on my labs taken throughout the cycle.  He said to call when we are ready and we will meet to discuss his findings and what is next for us.

I feel better knowing there is still a chance for us, but I also know that the end is in sight for us too and it might not be the ending that we had hoped for.  I cannot keep putting myself through this.  Physically, my body can handle it, emotionally, I cannot.   I know that Joe does not want to see me put myself through this again either.  It’s incredibly frustrating for him, I think more so than it is for me because he has to watch the emotions and know there is nothing he can say or do to make the situation better, he is helpless and that has to be hard.  And for me the hard part is knowing that I may never be able to make him a father and myself a mother.  My body cannot perform the basic function that I was created to perform.   No amount of prayers, vibes, positive thoughts, love, or bravery can actually make this happen for us although those are wonderful things that I appreciate and welcome because they help get through the process,  it simply comes down to the science of my body. 

We know that there are other options, surrogacy, adoption, maybe no kids.  I am not quite ready to accept any of those options at this time, but we know that they are there if we ever decided to pursue them.  I have had 3 people offer to be surrogates for us, one of those being my best friend and SIL.  It would mean the world to me if she would do that for us.  I hope that it doesn’t get to that point, but if it does, she is who I would choose.  I am so thankful to all of those who have offered that to us though.  It is a huge commitment and a huge gift to give, one I could never repay. 

We will make an appointment and meet with our doctor soon.  I never thought that we would be doing this for a 5^th time, never ever ever, but we might be.  This is the hand we were dealt, this is the journey that we were given.  I’m not sure why it has to be such a struggle, but it is and we are dealing with it as best as we can.  We know that we are blessed in SO MANY ways.  We have great jobs, a beautiful home, and (at least we think) a unique relationship better than either of us could ask for.  We have each other (and our Frankie J) and that should be enough, but for me there is a void that I hope we can fill.  Yes, we built our dream home, isn’t that enough?  But to me, I want to fill that home with a family, I don’t want those extra bedrooms filled with exercise equipment and a computer, I want them filled with toys and clothes and cribs, and I hope with all of my heart that I can have that one day.