Final beta...

My HCG level dropped to a 4 as of today.  I was instructed to discontinue my meds as of today.  You know the saying “trust your intuition”, well it is the truth, trust it and it will not steer you wrong.  I knew when Tuesday’s results came back that the level has stayed the same that this was going to take a turn for the worst, and it did. 

When I think about this journey I think back to the beginning and how naïve I was.  Back in October 2013 we were fresh in the fertility world I had no clue what was in store for us.  And almost 2 years to THE DAY, I am miscarrying again for a second time.  Its very heart breaking to think we are still basically stuck in the same position that we were at that time except for in 2013 we hadn’t committed as much as we have at this point to infertility.  Are we just a bunch of suckers?  Kind of seems like it. 

In 27 months we have had 2 IUIs, 6 cycles of IVF, and 2 miscarriages.  We have consulted with 4 doctors and have been treated by 3.  We have transferred NINE embryos, NINE!  And only one of those has implanted, and only just barely.  Although we have come a long way, when I look at it on paper, we have made very little progress and now I am more heartbroken than ever.  I have watched so many women get pregnant and that is part of being involved in the TTC community, you see the success stories and it’s truly amazing, but you always wonder if you’ll be on the other side of it.  The side that gets to say “I beat infertility”, and you just never know if you will. 

We have a phone consultation with Dr. Sherbahn on January 26^th to discuss the IVF fail and hopefully determine what could possibly come next for us.  I am not sure if I want to gamble with my own eggs again if the outcome is going to be the same as it was this cycle and I know there’s no one that can guarantee to me that that won’t happen.  I am very curious about what he has to say and what his suggestions are.  Luckily that is about a month away so that will give us some time to take our minds off of infertility & IVF (oh come on who am I kidding) and focus on other aspects of our lives.  Then hopefully we can come up with a little bit of a plan while we are on our break. 

I am not getting any younger and all that is happening with my age is my fertility health is decreasing so I don’t want to wait too long before taking our next steps.  I know that we may need to adjust our sails a bit and start considering a different route.  I just feel in my heart that is what our next steps are.  Do we keep beating our heads against a wall over and over or do we pick a new route and a different plan of action?  Maybe things aren’t going to ever happen the way we wished them to, maybe it’s just not meant to be that way.  The dysfunction of my body may never allow me to carry out things the way I think they should be carried out.  Do I keep working against it or do I start to work with it?  So many questions I never thought I’d be asking myself at this stage in my life. 

Peace out 2015.  Although it was an amazing year in so many ways with our beautiful forever home finally being completed and all of the joy that that has brought into our lives, we are still fighting a battle that I know I spend many hours of my day thinking about, obsessing about, worrying about, & wondering about.  2016, please be good to us.

Beta Hell...

You may (or may not) have been wondering what our beta results for IVFx6 were after it all crumbled to pieces before our eyes over the last couple weeks.  My scheduled beta day was December 26th so I got up early and headed to the lab to get my blood drawn.  I really had no clue what the outcome would be, but I knew that things weren't really in our or our embryos' favor so I assumed BFN and sulked around the house most of the morning waiting for the call.

Around 11 the nurse called to tell me that my HCG level was an 8.  They wanted to see over 50, but she said I needed to continue taking my meds and go back Tuesday for a second beta.  I was in fact, pregnant, but just barely as the lowest pregnancy level of HCG is 5.  My progesterone level was also only a 26 which is low for a pregnancy.  I was devastated, but I thought maybe since we transferred our embryos in their early stages, I thought they could just be lagging behind in implantation too.  I tried to keep up the positive spirit and soak in the fact that I was pregnant, even if it was just a teensy bit.

It seemed like it would take forever until Tuesday until I went into work Monday and we were having such a bad ice storm I ended up being asked to stay at work.  I work for a gas and electric power company and we had lots of outages and broken poles due to the heavy ice that was accumulating.  I welcomed the extra $ on my paycheck, but overnight storms always make for a slow night.  Once 6am rolled around and I had put in 24 hours of work, I went to the hospital for my 2nd beta before heading home to crash.  

The office didn't call me until after 2 which was frustrating, but I was certain I knew what the answer was going to be.  I had been having some light brown spotting on Monday which I almost always have with each period & was also the exact indicator with my last fresh cycle that it hadn't worked.  I hadn't had really any cramping or any other indications of AF, but I was just convinced that it had gone negative and I was going to miscarry.  The nurse said that my level was still an 8.  It hadn't dropped, but it also hadn't doubled which is what they want to see to determine a viable pregnancy.  I was instructed to, once again, continue my meds and go back for a 3rd beta on Thursday and if things don't begin to increase, we will stop meds and I will miscarry.  

I can't believe that this is happening to us.  What I foresaw as such a successful cycle quickly turned into an absolute nightmare & now I am stuck in beta hell waiting for another 2 days.  I feel like we are just delaying the inevitable by continuing the meds, but we also have to keep hope that something could happen & things could change.  I am eager to meet with Dr. Sherbahn to see what he has to say about all of this.  I hadn't planned on doing another fresh cycle at all because I thought we would be successful with this one, but now I think I need to start thinking about it and possible other options such as egg donation or even embryo adoption as someone has offered me their last remaining embryo.  Joe and I have never really discussed either option because we have always believed that we would be able to beat this with our own eggs and sperm, but I'm not sure that is the case anymore.

If I do end up miscarrying then we will take a break and I will let my body have a couple of natural cycles before we pursue anything else.  We also still have 2 frosties in Peoria so that is always an option as well, but Joe really wants to take some time to focus on us and not have to be committed to anything like constant doctors appointments, and I agree.  

When I think about what I did different this cycle compared to our first fresh cycle 17 months ago when we ended up with our 7 blasts, the only thing I can come up with are the supplements that I took religiously for 3+ months.  I can't see how they would cause any harm, but I'm not sure I will continue to use those as that is the only thing that I changed and the outcome was just very disappointing.  Once again, we won't know much about what's really going on until "cycle completion" when we can finally meet with our doctor.

I have to give a huge shout out to all of my TTC sisters who have been supporting and loving on us so much these last few days.  I seriously have the best tribe and I cannot thank them all enough for everything that they provide for me on an emotional level.  They're all truly amazing.  I also need to thank my husband for his love, support, and continued positivity as we navigate this journey.  He is my rock & my strength.  And thank you to all of my readers who continue to stick around, even though I'm a terrible blogger these days.  

Everything is falling apart...

It was a week ago today that we got the call, 11 of our 16 embryos had fertilized!  Things were sounding soooo promising for this cycle and we were just elated at how everything had been going. Was this going to be it?  Could it possibly be THE cycle?  I really truly hoped so based on how well things seemed to be unfolding.  Then on Thursday when we received our 5-day embryo update we were shocked to find out that none of the 7 out of the 11 original fertilized embryos had made it to blastocysts, the 5-day cellular stage that they should've been at on that day.  We were devastated and faced with a decision that had to be made very quickly & without much guidance from our doctor.  

We decided to go ahead and transfer 2 of the embryos that were one stage behind blastocyst stage, compacting morulas.  Although this wasn't at all part of the plan and we were completely heartbroken and stressed that things were happening so quickly, what I've learned from this process over the years is that nothing ever seems to go as planned.  There are many variables that have to be exact and precise in order for a cycle to go smoothly & be successful and many times something happens that can throw everything off.  For us, we aren't sure what has happened.  We don't know if our embryos were just a little slower to develop or if their quality is just that bad that they didn't progress as they should.  

I tried to be excited.  Typically transferring & being PUPO is supposed to be such an exciting time, but it certainly wasn't feeling that way at all.  The whole thing just was stressful, rushed, and completely shocking.  Since we had transferred 2 we still had 5 potentials that could make it, although we knew that probably only 2 of those embryos had any chance of making it to biopsy or freeze.  Our plan was to biopsy anything that we had so that we knew what we were making was normal or not.  If they were, then great, we'd freeze them and hopefully have them for later use if need be.  If they weren't then we would know there was other issues at hand.

On Saturday I was feeling much better about things and just trying to be as positive as I could.  I posted a pic and a thank you on Instagram stating that I was so grateful for everyone's prayers and support that had been sent our way over the last few days as we dealt with the situation.  A couple hours later I was on my way into town to get my hair done, eat lunch with my mom, and do my errands when the doctors office called.  They told us that NONE of the 5 remaining embryos had made it far enough to be biopsied and frozen.  Not one.  I broke down and just cried for pretty much the entire day as I just felt as though I was living in some kind of nightmare.  I couldn't have anticipated any of this at all to be happening the way it has.  

Everything seemed so perfect and now it has all just crumbled so quickly right in front of us.  How could we go from creating 7 blastocysts our first cycle in July 2014 to having NONE just a year later? The outcome is similar to our second cycle, but I had just assumed that because we had so little retrieved and mature (5) that the numbers just weren't on our side.  I am even more confused now than I was before we went into this cycle which is the opposite of what I was hoping for.  If my egg quality was poor I wouldn't have expected to make any blasts my first cycle either, could my eggs turn bad within a matter of  year?  I don't think it's possible, but I'm not a doctor so I don't know.

At this point we are holding on to hope that the 2 embryos that we did transfer are snuggling in for the long haul, but it's very hard to keep that optimism when none of the others survived.  It just doesn't seem like the chances of the 2 we transferred making it is very high, but you never know.  I am anxious to talk to our doctor and see if he has any insight into what could have happened.  At this point I have no idea what is in store for us or what our future holds.  We could end up pregnant and this nightmare could quickly turn into our dream coming true, or it could continue to fall apart and put us again in a position of uncertainty and frustration. 

For over 4 years now we have been trying to expand our family.  We have tried every trick in the book and done so many different types of infertility treatments and had so much testing done & never have been given a reason as to why.  I watch people around me have babies, some planned and wanted, some unplanned and unwanted.  I see Christmas cards with pictures of babies on them and I wonder if that will ever be us.  I wonder if we will ever become parents, will I ever carry a pregnancy, will I ever make my mother a grandma, or Joe a father?  I wonder why we have put so much time, money, effort, and hard work into this and have gotten absolutely NOTHING out of it. Not a glimmer of hope, none of the 9 embryos that we have transferred have resulted in a pregnancy, and no answers as to why.  For 4 years now all I have thought every single day of my life is this, of course it didn't start out so bitter and sad, it started out excited and hopeful that it would happen for us quickly and naturally, and then when it didn't, we accepted it for what it was and hit the ground running with treatments and surgeries.  Now here we are, over 2 years of official infertility treatment and we have nothing to show for it.  I am sick and tired of being strong, I'm sick and tired of putting my body through this without any guarantee that it will work.  I want this for us so much, and I'm not sure I will ever be able to let that thought go and move on with my life, especially after it's all you've thought about for so many years.  Will we ever get to be on the other side of this disease?  Will we ever get to say that we beat it?  If only we could take a peek into our future to know that what we are putting so much effort is actually worth the time.  I never thought that we would still be on this road and I wish that it would just come to an end for us.