from BFP to BFN... the heartbreaking start to 2014

For those of you who aren't familiar with the many terms of infertility, BFP stands for "Big Freakin' Positive" and BFN stands for "Big Freakin' Negative"...

We had IUI #2 done on Monday December 16th after a week of Follistem injections, two Ganirelix, & one Ovidrel injection.  The procedure went well, about the same as the first time around.  I started my 2ww (2 week wait -- TTC timeline & dictionary coming soon!) & was scheduled to test via blood draw on Monday December 30th.  This second time around I handled myself differently.  I didn't act as though I was already pregnant, I actually just did my normal routine, I ate whatever I wanted, I drank alcohol, & resumed all normally activity (advised by the doctor).  I was so much less stressed about it this time around, so much so that I actually almost forgot to start my progesterone on the scheduled date & ended up remembering after work that day (I usually do these 1st thing in AM).  I wasn't nearly as nervous & did not let the thought consume my brain, even though this time I had to wait a full two weeks before getting results.  When people would ask how I felt about it, I would give the honest answer of, I have no idea, I couldn't side with yes or no even when I really thought about it.

I went in Monday Dec 30th for my test, I had been having menstrual like symptoms for a few days prior, which really made me even more confused.  I actually started to think that it would probably end up being negative rather than positive once those symptoms started.  I got a phone call about 9AM, but waited until I got off work at 1PM to call back.  She gave me great news, we had a POSITIVE result!  I was so happy, but I could tell by the way she was telling me, that there was some sort of catch.  She said that my HCG (pregnancy hormone) level was in the low range, a 20.  She said that I would need to test again on Thursday and Monday & the number would need to double each time in order for us to really 100% confirm a pregnancy. I was nervous & scared, I told Joe the news & we decided to be excited, but not too excited.  

NYE was good & I felt fine, I had nothing to drink & was home at a reasonable hour & got plenty of sleep, but I woke up feeling as though I had drank several bottles of champagne.  I ended up popping 600mg of ibuprofen around 8AM.  We lounged all day & I started noticing that I was spotting a bit.  My headache came back early in the evening and I ended up taking another 600mg of ibuprofen around 6pm or so.  I got up to use the bathroom around 7 & it was like all hell broke loose & I was bleeding, a lot.  I was so upset, I was crying & mad & decided just to go to bed.  Not what I wanted to see.  I was just so disappointed.

I went in at 5:45AM Thursday Jan 2nd to get my blood drawn at the hospital again, went to work, cried to a co-worker there, then got a phone call around 9AM again.  My number had DOUBLED!  It went from a 20 to a 50 in 72 hours so it was exactly what they wanted to see.  I was ecstatic, I couldn't believe it, I was sure that it wasn't going to be good news.  I told her about the bleeding and she said that I should go home, stay off of my feet, rest & drink a lot of fluid so I stayed home from work on Thursday & Friday so that I could relax and try to get the bleeding under control.  She also said absolutely no more ibuprofen, extra strength Tylenol only.  My usual nurse Deena called me on Friday to check in on me and said that bleeding of some sort happens in 8 out of 10 patients who get pregnant this way.  I felt some relief when she said that. She also suggested that we start an intramuscular injection of progesterone instead of the gel that I was currently using.  Joe would have to give me this oil based injection, in my butt cheek once a day. Hooray for more injections (GAG ME!).  I told her I would do whatever would be best & she said this would be the way to go.

Today, Monday Jan 6th, I went in for another HCG check.  I was really nervous because I had taken a pregnancy test on Sunday and it was negative, I prepared myself for the worst right away on Sunday.  I had taken a test on Monday when my HCG level was 20 and there was the faintest of lines on the test so I knew something wasn't right.  I got the phone call at 11:15 this morning (another indication that it was negative) and she said that my number had dropped to a negative HCG level... NEGATIVE.  I got off the phone, called Joe, and cried for an hour at work.  My boss was kind enough to let me go home early & I took the rest of the afternoon as vacation.  I couldn't stay at work in the condition that I was in.

I am completely heartbroken this time around.  I can say that for a very brief couple of days that I was actually pregnant, but it never did turn into what they consider to be a "viable" pregnancy.  I don't have many answers as to why the number would double then all of a sudden drop.  We determined that the bleeding I was having was my period & now I have to wait for another cycle before we can shoot for round three of IUI if that's what we decide to do.  I'm 5 days into my cycle already, & I"m already counting down the days. I guess I have to look at it as though, we've already been trying for 2 and a half years, what's another 28 days?  Well, it's a lot, to me at least.  There is nothing that can be said at this point in time that will make things better.  I know people want to say, "it will happen" but that is not a for sure truth.  I have faith that it will happen & that's all I will accept at this point in time.

The positive side to this is that we know that I can get pregnant this way so we know that the procedure works and could one day, truly be successful.  I almost feel like it would better if it were just BFN from the beginning because having a glimmer of hope, having that BFP, & then having it taken away so quickly is an awful feeling.  I know my infertility sisters know what I'm talking about and can totally relate.  There are so many women out there that have been through so much worse than I have & still are on their own journeys, & my heart just breaks for all of us & I pray that we all get our wish to one day become mothers, we deserve it.  

NYE & 2014 so far...

I'm still amazed at how quickly this year & the holiday season went by.  I couldn't believe we were already celebrating New Years Eve this week & now we're on the 3rd day of January already.  Time, you can slow down anyyyy time now!!

Our NYE tradition for the last five years is going to dinner with my Aunt Nanette & Uncle Mike.  It started off just the four of us one year at Garzanelli's and has blossomed into going somewhere new every year & with a few other couples now.  Jen and Josh started coming with us a few years ago & now Jessica & Mike have decided to join.  My aunt's birthday is also NYE so that's always a little fun perk of going out as well. This year we decided to try Woody's Steak House in Ottawa.  We were really impressed with the food, but not so impressed with the slow service, however, it was NYE & they had a full house.  Luckily we really had no other places to be at any certain time so we just dealt with it and enjoyed ourselves.   

After dinner we headed back home to a local bar to continue the celebration.  I was not drinking (I actually had a couple of Kiddy Cocktails, I forgot how good those things were!) which wasn't a bad thing, but I was really tired, and it was freezing in the bar so I put on a brave face & made it til midnight.  I drove Jessica & Mike home then went back to the bar to pick up Joe.  I think we were home & in bed by about 12:30.  All in all it was a fun night.  New Years Day was spent in PJ's watching movies & episodes of Archer on Netflix, a very unproductive day.  

So far, three days in, 2014 has been pretty good to us.  It's actually been quite relaxing, I went home sick from work yesterday & decided to stay home today too to get some much needed rest.  Joe has a small project going on in our one and only bathroom (vent & new drywall on the ceiling) so the house has been an absolute disaster & continues to be until he finishes sanding (praying that's today!).  I can't wait to see the house back in order.  We did get the Christmas tree out yesterday, always a disaster when you have a real tree and a small doorway to pull it through.  Needle party!!!!  

I had some pretty big goals last year (view 2012 Year in Review post here), and unfortunately, I was not able to obtain my top two, but I have very high hopes that I will see both of my biggest dreams become realities this year.  

2014 Goals

One--Get pregnant.  Hands down, if I achieve nothing else this year, this is what I want most not only for myself but for Joe as well.  We have been on a 2.5 year long journey for this & we are ready for this to happen for us.  

Two--Build our house.  Phone calls are going to start this week to get our plans blue-printed, & some estimates rolling.  We are still waiting for our settlement, & still need to sell the house we are in, but our hope is to be able to continue living in our current home, getting the house almost completely built, then putting this one on the market.  

Three--Save more, spend less.  Joe and I decided that we wanted to start this 52 Week Money Challenge & we will both be contributing so we will have double the money.  It's such an easy and simple way to save up some cash.  It's not a huge amount, but it's not just chump change either.  This project starts today, pay day!

Four--Get back to the Gym & resume healthy eating.  I've been really slacking on both of these things since we started seeing the FS & I had surgery.  I just got really lazy, probably feeling bad for myself a bit, & kind of quit working out and cooking normally.  Joe even asked one day when I was going to start cooking dinner again.  I've been better at the cooking part, but still my gym bag sits in my office at work, untouched for about three weeks now.  This is one of my goals every year, but I want to make sure that I'm healthy for the sake of getting pregnant.  Healthy cooking will start up again tonight (no more take out every day of the weekend), & working out starts Monday (please, God!)

2014, be good to us!

2013 Year in Review

I honestly think that 2013 has taught me more about life than any other year of my existence, so I think it's pretty important to jot it all down so that I can compare it to what I'm about to learn in 2014 & beyond so here goes...

My family & friends

This year has proven more to me about the quality of the relationships in my life than any other year, with both family and friends. I remember when I first realized that the “friends” that we make over the years, the people who we considered some of our “best” friends in high school & grade school & college, tend not to blossom into true relationships & that’s totally fine. Those relationships are important because each person we encounter is probably teaching us something about our lives, about friendships, about what kind of friends we want to be and what kind we don’t.

I've learned that just because a person is related to you, doesn't mean that they will be involved in your life at all. I've learned that just because a person isn't related to you, doesn't mean they don’t care as much as you expect your family would. I have some of the truest, realest, best friends I could ever ask for & I consider them to be my family. They genuinely care about me & my life & I genuinely care about theirs. We try to lift each other up as much as we can. All three of the girls I consider to be my “best” friends have been around for a looong time, I know they say it’s not about who you've known the longest, but trust me, it has a lot to do with it. If I hadn’t known these girls as long as I have, then we wouldn't know every little thing about each other, we wouldn’t be able to relate as well as we do, be able to pick up right where we left off when we don’t see each other as often as we used to. I’m so thankful for my friends, every girl needs to have at least one (if not more!) true best friend in their lives & I’m very blessed to have three that are irreplaceable. Thank you so much to my 3 J’s, you guys rock!

As far as family goes, it’s amazing how the older you get the more important they become to you. Family is permanent, you can’t choose them, but I’m lucky to have some really amazing family members. I love getting together with all of them on any side because we always have such a wonderful time. From the monthly GNO with my cousins, to the Starved Rock Christmas Eve Eve stay over with my aunt & her family, the family Christmas’s & nights out at the bars, trips on the bike, we have many of our best memories & adventures with our family & I am so thankful for that. Of course there is dysfunction, but Aunt Nancy’s sweatshirt says it best, “we put the FUN in dysFUNction”

My Travels & Adventures

One thing we got to do A LOT of this year was travel. Mini-vacays, cruises, bike trips, we did it all. Our ski trip to Galena in January was an absolute blast, our day in Boston & our cruise to Bermuda for Joe’s 30th was completely unforgettable, the most beautiful island I've ever seen! A few thousand miles put on the bike this year on our travels to Bloomington Minnesota, Galena, New Glarus, Wisconsin, & beyond.  And our most recent trip to Las Vegas to watch our friends get married!  Travel is such an important part of life & I’m so glad that Joe and I have gotten to go to some really incredible places over the last 5 years. We took our first cruise for our one year anniversary in 2009 & have tried to make it something we do about every other year. We are so lucky to be able to have experienced some of the places that we have & we can’t wait to do more of it!

My Marriage

All I can say about my marriage is that it’s stronger than ever after the year that we have had. We have gone through a lot our first couple years of marriage, a serious motorcycle accident about 6 months after we got married & now our journey to get pregnant, it has been a lot, it’s been a challenge & I think we have only gotten through all of it as well as we have because we are a great team. We always take each other into consideration when we make decisions, even little decisions, once you have a spouse; they’re pretty much an extension of you. Of course we have had our downs, our arguments, and disagreements, everyone does and if you pretend you are perfect and that you don’t fight, then you’re living in an alternate reality. Joe is my best friend (and what a coincidence his name begins with a J!), everything I do I want him to be a part of; I want to experience everything in life with him. He is my partner in crime & I wouldn’t want it any other way. I can’t wait to see what 2014 has in store for us! We will be celebrating six years together, three as a married couple, it’s funny it already seems like we’ve been together for a lifetime. I know that there will be lot of wonderful things happening to us this year between trying for baby, & starting to build our home! Lots to look forward to!

My drama-free life.

After some thought on this topic, here's what I came up with, my life is relatively drama-free... I don't think I really have any "haters", and if I do, well I guess I wasn't giving enough fucks to notice & I'm completely content with that.  I don't think that the world is against us & people are out to get us & like I said, if there are, I really don't care.  I'm a grown ass adult now, this ain't high school & I'm so glad it's not.  I DO NOT hang around with people who just live and breathe negativity & think the world is out to get them & create drama.  I left that all behind & have never looked back because I have no reason not to be positive about the things in my life.  It's a waste of precious time to be miserable & unhappy & pretend that you aren't those things.  No one is perfect, & pretending to be so is just pathetic.  I feel like I've got a lot of supporters out there.  I surround myself only with people who lift me up, not who bring me down & I will continue to do so... forever!

My blog & readers

Last but not least, I cannot begin to thank everyone who has read my blog & left me a comment, sent me a Facebook message, email, or text in support of us. I had NO IDEA the outpouring of prayers and support that we would get by sharing this journey that we are on. So many wonderful messages of hope and positivity for us and what we are doing. I have found some amazing women in blogland that I have been able to connect with and bond with over infertility, and so many people that I know well & some that I hardly know at all have reached out to me. I can never thank you all enough. This blog has been a true blessing to me. I hope you all continue to follow along as we continue our beautiful journey.

I wish everyone has a safe & happy New Year!!