changing my thinking

It’s not the future that you’re afraid of. It’s repeating the past that makes you anxious.

I was perusing Pinterest the other day when I came across this quote. I read it a couple times and pretty much had an epiphany of sorts. It’s not really a thought that I’ve never had before, I’ve said many times that the more failures that we have had, the harder it is for me to expect anything but that and that thought is definitely an extension of this quote. But I reflected on this quote a few times now since I pinned it and realized that it’s undeniably true for me and it’s undeniably a problem; my past with infertility is certainly effecting my thoughts about my future.

One thing I decided to do different this year than I have in years past is NOT set goals for the year. I picked a word, and that word is “determined”. You might have read about it in my 2014 year in review post, and you’ll read about it often throughout my posts for the rest of the year as I try to live each day, whether big or small, by this word. So part of living up to my word is making some changes in my thinking. Much easier said than done. Cognitive changes are not easy, but it only takes 21 days to form a habit and if I can change my thinking for just 3 weeks, then I’ll have changed it for good. I’ll start by taking baby steps. I’ll change this one thought, “it’s not the future that you’re afraid of. It’s the past that makes you anxious” and I’m going to start today.

Today is 15 days before my consultation with our new RE and I’d really like to have this thought changed before my next cycle of treatment. I don’t want to go into it thinking, “Well, everything else has been negative so this probably will be too”, I’m a firm believer in positive thinking + positive vibes=positive outcomes and by thinking they way I have been in the past, I’m not living up to what I believe. I need to recommit to some of my convictions that I’ve clearly abandoned these last few cycles. I completely blame infertility for that abandonment and I need to take the bull by the horns again and regain my control over it.

Before 3 failed IVF cycles in a row, I was more of a warrior, a fighter, and could laugh infertility in the face. Now I feel as though those 3 failed cycles have completely tainted my optimism and my positivity. I shamefully let it take more control of my thoughts that I ever thought I would and being the self-proclaimed advocate for infertility awareness and education, I need to get back to that formula that I once deeply believed in and lived by. I need to get back to my naïve self that I was when we were just starting treatment and thought the very first attempt would work, little did I know what we would have to go through, but that was the attitude that I want back. It’s the attitude that is so hard to hold on to when you’re fighting this battle, it’s the attitude that we all start out with and it can be changed so easily, it can be taken from right under your nose and before you know it, you doubt everything.

I am determined to get back to the old me, and I will get back to the old me, and I will do it before our next treatment cycle. There, I said it (or wrote it), and now I am holding myself accountable to it. I will no longer think of the past and the failure that came along with it, I won’t let it cause anxiety about my future. Instead I will focus solely on the future and what is in store for us. I will not expect failure, I will expect success. Even if it causes more heartache and more of a letdown, it will be worth it.