Tuesday, December 29, 2015

Beta Hell...

You may (or may not) have been wondering what our beta results for IVFx6 were after it all crumbled to pieces before our eyes over the last couple weeks.  My scheduled beta day was December 26th so I got up early and headed to the lab to get my blood drawn.  I really had no clue what the outcome would be, but I knew that things weren't really in our or our embryos' favor so I assumed BFN and sulked around the house most of the morning waiting for the call.

Around 11 the nurse called to tell me that my HCG level was an 8.  They wanted to see over 50, but she said I needed to continue taking my meds and go back Tuesday for a second beta.  I was in fact, pregnant, but just barely as the lowest pregnancy level of HCG is 5.  My progesterone level was also only a 26 which is low for a pregnancy.  I was devastated, but I thought maybe since we transferred our embryos in their early stages, I thought they could just be lagging behind in implantation too.  I tried to keep up the positive spirit and soak in the fact that I was pregnant, even if it was just a teensy bit.

It seemed like it would take forever until Tuesday until I went into work Monday and we were having such a bad ice storm I ended up being asked to stay at work.  I work for a gas and electric power company and we had lots of outages and broken poles due to the heavy ice that was accumulating.  I welcomed the extra $ on my paycheck, but overnight storms always make for a slow night.  Once 6am rolled around and I had put in 24 hours of work, I went to the hospital for my 2nd beta before heading home to crash.  

The office didn't call me until after 2 which was frustrating, but I was certain I knew what the answer was going to be.  I had been having some light brown spotting on Monday which I almost always have with each period & was also the exact indicator with my last fresh cycle that it hadn't worked.  I hadn't had really any cramping or any other indications of AF, but I was just convinced that it had gone negative and I was going to miscarry.  The nurse said that my level was still an 8.  It hadn't dropped, but it also hadn't doubled which is what they want to see to determine a viable pregnancy.  I was instructed to, once again, continue my meds and go back for a 3rd beta on Thursday and if things don't begin to increase, we will stop meds and I will miscarry.  

I can't believe that this is happening to us.  What I foresaw as such a successful cycle quickly turned into an absolute nightmare & now I am stuck in beta hell waiting for another 2 days.  I feel like we are just delaying the inevitable by continuing the meds, but we also have to keep hope that something could happen & things could change.  I am eager to meet with Dr. Sherbahn to see what he has to say about all of this.  I hadn't planned on doing another fresh cycle at all because I thought we would be successful with this one, but now I think I need to start thinking about it and possible other options such as egg donation or even embryo adoption as someone has offered me their last remaining embryo.  Joe and I have never really discussed either option because we have always believed that we would be able to beat this with our own eggs and sperm, but I'm not sure that is the case anymore.

If I do end up miscarrying then we will take a break and I will let my body have a couple of natural cycles before we pursue anything else.  We also still have 2 frosties in Peoria so that is always an option as well, but Joe really wants to take some time to focus on us and not have to be committed to anything like constant doctors appointments, and I agree.  

When I think about what I did different this cycle compared to our first fresh cycle 17 months ago when we ended up with our 7 blasts, the only thing I can come up with are the supplements that I took religiously for 3+ months.  I can't see how they would cause any harm, but I'm not sure I will continue to use those as that is the only thing that I changed and the outcome was just very disappointing.  Once again, we won't know much about what's really going on until "cycle completion" when we can finally meet with our doctor.

I have to give a huge shout out to all of my TTC sisters who have been supporting and loving on us so much these last few days.  I seriously have the best tribe and I cannot thank them all enough for everything that they provide for me on an emotional level.  They're all truly amazing.  I also need to thank my husband for his love, support, and continued positivity as we navigate this journey.  He is my rock & my strength.  And thank you to all of my readers who continue to stick around, even though I'm a terrible blogger these days.  

17 comments:

  1. Oh my gosh, I am so sorry you're in this right now. It's just so unfair. I know nothing I say will
    help but I am thinking of you and sending good thoughts your way. I so so hope your hcg rises.

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  2. We are here for you. Take a break. Do it for your marriage. Have fun and reconnect. I don't know what's in store for us next year, but this last year on our break has been my favorite yet. You owe it to yourself. Also, feel free to reach out! We would love to have you over for drinks and hot tub shenanigans if you guys are in the area! Babies will come....but you and your husband come first. Hang in there, hun.

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  4. I'm so glad that you have such an awesome support system! I cannot even begin to understand how you are feeling, but I am here. Many prayers, hugs, and positive thoughts. I so hope you see that number double!!!

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  5. I am so sorry Elena. There are no words to capture the frustration and disappointment. I often thought 'it's not supposed to be this hard' it's not fair.

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  6. You are such a strong lady, who has been through so much. It sounds like you've got a great husband in your corner. You're both blessed to have each others back. Blessings to you and Joe through this beta #'s hell and throughout 2016. Fresh year, fresh start? Hugs and prayers with many, many thoughts your way. xoxo

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  7. Oh no girl. I am so incredibly sorry you're having to go through this. I can't even imagine how frustrating all of this has been but I agree, maybe you need to take a break if this time doesn't work out and focus on you. You are so busy all the time between doctor's appointments, work and life in general. You need some time to just o whats best for you! <3, Pamela Sequins & Sea Breezes

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  8. I always would say a prayer for you and to keep your head up high. But going through the same thing its easier said than done. I'm still praying for you my love and what ever outcome this IVF cycle may be try to focus in the things you have now like your hubby. Take some time for you and him. Wishing the best and tons of blessings for you and your husband. Praying always for you.

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  9. I'm sorry hun. I think giving your body a break and focusing on you, your husband, your marriage, and of course your fur baby is a really good idea.

    http://dogmomchic.blogspot.com/

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  10. I am so sorry I went through something simliar with our very first IVF round. They did the hcg and also a blood serum test the hcg came back negative but the blood serum test came back positive. They had stay on meds and shots for another week it was just torture. Then my last tests showed negative I would have just rather had a yes or a no that is what we prepare ourselves. Your so strong to keep trying!! Take a good break and never let anything hold you back from your dreams!

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  11. I hate to even comment because I sound like a broken record saying the same thing. I am so sorry you are going through this and definitely don't deserve all of the sadness you have been through.

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  12. I am new to your blog. I'm so sorry you have to go through all of this! I understand the torture this is waiting and hoping through each cycle and each blood test. I just wanted you to know that I am hoping and praying you get great results on your next beta.

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  13. I'm so sorry you're going through this. :( The beta rollercoaster makes a difficult situation even harder. :( Praying for you.

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  14. Came to to see how you were doing. Sending you my love and support!

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  15. My heart truly breaks for you, friend. And you're not a terrible blogger at all...you're a real-life blogger, and those are my favorites.

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  16. I am so very sorry.. my heart goes out to you and your hubby. Take heart on the two frosties, i have never had any make it to freeze.

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