Thursday, November 08, 2018

No Heartbeat

This is not the post I was hoping to be writing.  I was hoping after our first ultrasound Monday at 7w2d I'd be updating with a happy post about a baby with a strong heartbeat and excellent measurements, unfortunately, although there were 2 gestational sacs present, one was empty (blighted ovum) and the other the baby was clearly there but had stopped growing around 6w and had no heartbeat.  During pregnancy it seems there's always the lingering thought in the back of your mind that something might go wrong.  It's just the nature of the game with pregnancy, especially that first ultrasound, but with our high betas, I was feeling very confident that things were progressing as they should.  At our appointment she tried to do a belly scan but because of my retroverted uterus she had to do a vaginal.  It was the shortest appointment I think I've ever had and the worst.  

I could clearly see worry on her face, when I saw her measure the baby I saw that it was only measuring 6w1d and I wasn't seeing a flicker, then within a split second of me noticing these things, she told us that the baby appeared to have stopped growing about a week ago and there was no heartbeat.  She turned the sound on and it was just a hollow uterus, no sounds of life pulsating on the screen like we had hoped for.  She asked if I wanted a picture and I blurted out "no" through a steady stream of tears and that was it, it was over.  I don't even know if I was comprehending what she was saying.  She continued to say she was sorry as she left the room.  I honestly think it would've been an easier blow if this cycle just failed from the beginning rather than having to go through this.  

My clinic got back to me saying that I needed to schedule a D&C with karotyping to see if the baby was normal or abnormal.  At this point I'm really hoping for an abnormal result as much as I hate to say that.  Two sacs would also indicate that the embryo split.  We really don't know at this point.  All we know is that things came crashing down pretty quickly and I know I am still in shock over all of it.  All I could think as I was laying there being told what was happening was that I just can't imagine going through this again.  I know that at some point we will, but thinking about the fact that this could happen again makes me want to give up at this point because why would anyone in their right mind purposely put themselves through this heartbreak again?  

We are blessed in so many ways with our situation.  Our amazing egg donor, the open relationship we have, the true gift that was given to us; however it's a logistical and financial nightmare to fathom all over again.  Days off work, travel costs, coming up with the money to finance all of it yet again is just too much to think about right now.  I'm certain that we will begin selling off our belongings and putting money at the top of our Christmas lists that we will all hope will end up in a successful outcome.  Joe will continue to work 7 days a week spreading himself too thin to help fund another cycle.  We put ourselves through so much all for something that comes with no guarantee whatsoever. 

At this point we now have 3 embryos left, they are not PGS tested, all are very high quality, but that is not indicative of anything.  Two of the three we have transferred so far have now ended in losses and I'm fearful of the outcome of our 3 remaining.  I've had a Recurrent Pregnancy Loss panel done in the past and the results were all negative for any issues, however if the results from the baby come back as "normal" I will be requesting a repeat of that test.  I am so fearful that something is wrong with me, something that maybe with Georgia we got lucky and it didn't effect.  I am so fearful to continue attempting transfers of these embryos only to have them end in loss.  These are our LAST embryos.  You can see I have so many thoughts racing through my mind right now, all exacerbated by hormones from a pregnancy that has ended yet I am still carrying.  It's cruel and unfair and all I want to do is curl into a ball in my bed and close my eyes and wake up to it not being true.  

Unfortunately I will now be spending the upcoming holidays constantly thinking about the baby I should be carrying, surrounded by other family and friends who are also pregnant, I know it's bound to be a very hard couple of months.  Do I sound like I am pitying myself, yeah I do, maybe I am a little bit I don't really know.  I just know right now I am caught up in a whirlwind of emotions and hormones and I know that with the passing days things will get better and we will move forward.  This has just proven to be the hardest of our losses so far and learning how to handle it is something I'm new at.  

My D&C is officially scheduled for next Friday, aka. not soon enough.  My OB wanted my records from my IVF cycle and my ultrasound before making a decision on whether or not to perform the surgery.  I was able to give a verbal consent to send my records over immediately yesterday so luckily that was taken care of quickly.  They also need to me to d a confirmation ultrasound and a pre-op appointment so next Thursday at 1:30 I will be doing both of those.  I'm hoping the days go by quickly so I can get this over with.  As always, the outpouring of love and support has been overwhelming and we certainly are so lucky to have such an awesome group of people who continue to cheer us on from the side-lines as we go through all of these things, both the good and the bad. 


11 comments:

  1. Oh Elena, these are all the exact same thoughts and emotions I had going from an ultrasound and a beautiful heartbeat one week, to a full-blown miscarriage the next. That neck-break adjustment in shitty turn of events takes a LONG time to move through and accept. I totally, totally get it and I wish it had never happened to you. I pray you find some answers to cling to, but if not, please know you are not alone. And you are stronger and more resilient because of these circumstances.

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  2. I am praying for you girl. I know that this road is tough.

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  3. This is the stuff that nobody should ever have to live through. You are such a wonderful mama, and so deserving of all the babies that your arms could possibly hold. Lifting you up. Give your sweet Georgia an extra squeeze, because she is certainly something unbelievably special.

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  4. Oh Lena. I'm so sorry. Give yourself lots and lots of grace and space to feel however you feel, especially going into the holidays. You are strong, and you are kind, and you are such an amazing voice in this community. So much love to your family as you all move through this and decide on your next steps. <3

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  5. Ashiana (@shanakhan27)November 8, 2018 at 9:54 AM

    I'm so sorry Lena. Reading your blog post just breaks my heart. Sending you so much love and strength. No words can take away the pain you feel. And I can only hope that with time, you are at a better place emotionally. Cry as much as you need to.. Be quiet as much as you need to.. Take the time to process everything, for your body and mind.

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  6. Heartbreaking. This line broke me: "You can see I have so many thoughts racing through my mind right now, all exacerbated by hormones from a pregnancy that has ended yet I am still carrying". Praying for you and yours friend.

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  7. I'm so incredibly sorry that you are going through this. Especially with everything that you have gone through, and continue to have to go through on this journey. It's just the absolute worst feeling in the entire world. I wish there was something that I could say that would even remotely take away your pain, but I know that I can't. Thinking of you all through this.

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  8. I don't even know what words to say Elena, nothing seems right. Just know I am thinking of you and your sweet family and so sorry for your loss.

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  9. Sending you a big hug. I know all too well how you are feeling, can relate to every word and emotion. Give your sweet little peach a big kiss, these miracle babies we have are an incredible blessing.

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  10. I was so so sad to read this post from you. Our journeys are different (I ended up a mom through adoption), but I have really enjoyed your openness, strength, and perspective on everything infertility-related.

    Something I'm struggling with is my anger/jealousy for those for whom family planning is SO EASY. I'm a mom now and some (definitely not all) of my pain is gone with my sweet son now in my life. But we are beginning to think about baby #2 and I am having so much PTSD just thinking about jumping back into it all. We have one (non-tested) embryo on ice, some donor sperm that we'll prob do a medicated IUI with (don't have the funds for another retrieval), and updating our homestudy with our adoption agency. It's all so hard.

    Sending you love as this chapter ends and you grieve and consider what's next.

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  11. Oh, Elena. I hope you know how terribly sorry I am for this great loss, and how I wish more than anything I could offer some comfort in this time. Please know we're praying for you and for guidance on the path forward. If nothing else, I wish that the financial burden of it could be eased so it would be a simpler path forward. My heart's broken for you <3

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