Wednesday, July 23, 2014

BFN...


Yep, you read that right, today I got the call that our first cycle of IVF did not work... another BFN.  There isn't much to say right now.  I've only known for about 2 hours, but I find it best to write my raw emotions, so here I am.  I am honestly heartbroken and feeling completely defeated.  It's so frustrating when you're told by the doctor and his entire team that this was a perfect cycle only to get a NEGATIVE test result.  I've heard some different things, like the possibility that I did have some mild OHSS which could attribute to the negative result, I'm hoping that is the case and a FET (frozen embyro transfer) will be more successful for us next month.  

I'm so thankful to the TTC community & all the love and support that I have from friends and family.  I truly have one of the best support systems I have ever seen and could ever ask for.  Continued thoughts, prayers, and support are greatly appreciated.  Hearing success and failure stories are also relieving to some extent. There are so many beautiful women out there who have been through much more hell than I have who are so much stronger, & their words of encouragement are really making me feel a lot better about our results.  

I'm known and often complimented on my positive spirit towards this whole situation, but with a broken heart, a pounding headache, and swollen, bloodshot eyes, today I am deciding to not be my positive self. I'm going to grieve this loss, for a 2nd time now, and wallow in my sorrows for one day.  I'm going to eat an entire box of Velveeta macaroni shells, drink a fully caffeinated cherry Dr. Pepper, & have several glasses of wine with dinner.  Then, tomorrow morning, I'm going to get up and start a new day, I'll put on a brave face and begin to move forward with our next plan of attack.

I was instructed to stop all meds, (hooray, no more PIO shots!) so I ripped off my Vivelle patches, and am looking forward to no shots in the butt for a while.  As soon as I have a period I am supposed to call back to the doctors office, if I have it soon enough I will be able to do a FET in August.  I will start 3000mg of Vitamin C for 3 days tomorrow to help kick start AF.  I am trying to remember that I still have 6 embryos on ice, one of them is bound to work, right?

As always, I know this is not the end of the world.  I know that this wasn't part of the plan, and that there is still hope.  It's never easy getting those negative test results.  We are nearing 3 years of TTC and I've only seen 1 positive HPT in those entire 3 years.  Although I am broken and sad, I am so thankful to everyone who has called, texted, messaged, commented, etc. checking in on me to see how I am doing.  If it wasn't for my amazing husband, family, friends, and support system, I don't think I'd be able to move forward as quickly.  It's so hard to say this right now, but we will not give up, and I know one day we will get our BFP.

33 comments:

  1. Praying for you girl! This is so so so hard, I hate it for you. But continuing, even in the trials and storms, to trust God's timing for you. Remember, he knows every emotion so scream, shout, yell - do it all!! you need time to process and grieve and that is totally normal. We are all here for you!

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  2. I am so very sorry. I wish I had something encouraging to say that would mean something. Grieve all you want! If I were there, I'd grieve with you (in a non-stranger-weird way). You are a light to so many others, I pray those around you right now are a light to/for you as you process this news and prepare for the next round.

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  3. Ditto what Caroline said. There really aren't words but just know it's normal to grieve and I admire your strength and endurance. Hang in there!

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  4. You do have such a sweet spirit about this. Praying for you and for you husband. <3

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  5. I am so sorry, Elena!! :( You are most certainly allowed to grief though, you don't always have to keep that brave face on!! Praying for you!!

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  6. I am so sorry Elena...this just isn't how it was suppose to go ya know? I just thought for sure this would work this time for you. I say take today to fully indulge in all of the above you mentioned. Please know you are in my prayers. HUGS!!

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  7. Thinking of you girl. Try not to get too discouraged. I know this is extremely tough but it's going to happen for you. I just know it. Hang in there and know we're all rooting for you!

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  8. Thinking of you my dear. Good for you, to allow yourself to grieve and do, eat drink whatever the heck you want today.
    xo

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  9. .......... My heart is breaking..........

    My heart hurts for you. My heart hurts for the hope that has been lost this cycle. My heart hurts for all the pain that you're experiencing. I don't even know what to say. I am so sorry. I feel like saying "I love you" but I know that's weird. But I don't care. I love any woman that is in the TTC community. I will pause when Im doing right now and say a prayer for you and your family. Love ya girl

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  10. Oh my goodness girl. My heart broke when I read that first line and throughout this post. I honest to goodness feel your pain. I wish there was something myself or someone else could do to take away the pain and allow you to have a successful IVF. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your husband throughout this process! Enjoy those glasses of wine tonight and cheers to starting a new day and a new plan tomorrow! XOXOXOX ♥♥♥

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  11. I've been following your story, but I think this is my first time commenting. I'm sending lots of positive thoughts and prayers your way today and in the future. You have such a strong outlook in life and through this journey. You will get your BFP, I just know it!

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  12. I HATE this so much for you. I know that nothing anyone really says will take away your pain right now, so I'm just going to let you know that I am still praying for you. Praying for peace as well. XO sweet girl.

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  13. I wish I had words of comfort for you like you have for me when I email you; I know how you must feel but I know you will get your BFP; praying hard and always positive for you my sweet darling xoxo

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  14. I am so sorry, girlie. Words suffice. There is nothing "right" to say. Hugs, love, and prayers
    Of etnernal comfort. xx

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  15. I know the defeated feeling all too well, so you eat those shells and cheese and drink that wine- you deserve it girl. Thinking of you and praying that next month is your month. xo

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  16. So sorry to hear this Elena. Hugs to you and your hubby. I'm sending lots of positive vibes your way and hopefully you can try again next month. xoxo

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  17. UGH, I'm so sorry! That just plain sucks. Allow yourself all the time in the world to grieve, get mad, be sad, and heal. You are one strong woman and I'm sending a huge hug to you! Take care of yourself girlie.

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  18. I'm new to ur blog and I wanted to say sorry. I had OHSS during my fresh cycle and it did not take. When we did out FET cycle it was successful. Sometimes the body just doesn't know what to do with so many hormones. Grieve it's normal...we all do it when we don't get the results we expected.

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  19. I'm sorry to hear this. I am constantly so blown away from your courage and will to brave on. Sharing your story so honestly is such a breath of fresh air, and makes me admire your positive attitude and bravery. You will get through this like you said, and it will get better in time. I will of course be sending more positive thoughts your way, and will be thinking of you often. :)

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  20. My heart goes out to you. I had my first BFN two months ago. But you have the right attitude. Please take comfort in the fact that you have 6 left on ice, and that FET success rates are usually much higher. We didn't have any left to freeze. Much love, xo

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  21. I just saw this and my heart literally sank. Thinking of you and glad to know you are surrounded by people rooting for you and your family. Next time girl you WILL get that BFP!

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  22. Oh girl I am so sorry and I wish I could say something that would make you feel better. Whatever you do don't feel bad about being upset, everybody including you is allowed to feel that way no matter how upbeat they normally are. Best of luck next month, you have a whole bunch of people rooting for you!

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  23. I'm just now getting caught up on all of my blog reading. Oh girl. I am so sorry and my heart breaks for you. As always, you have your chin up and are ready to continue pressing forward. You are not defeated and you will see a BFP one day... Soon. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers as always. Sending lots of love and hugs your way.

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  24. oh my dear. I am so very sorry. I wish there was something we could do, clearly you have an amazing support system and a bunch of people crossing their fingers for you. I think you deserve all of the wine and velveeta in the world, and my fingers will always stay crossed for you :) big hugs xoxox

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  25. I'm so sorry Elena! IVF is supposed to work... even when you know the statistics, you believe IVF is supposed to work. It's so hard when you turn out to be one of THOSE women for whom it doesn't work. I know, because I was one too. I'm so, so sorry! Hugs to you!

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  26. Oh no, Elena... I am so, so, so sorry. I don't even know what to say other than we are all in your corner and are praying for you <3

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  27. I'm so sorry, Elena! There is nothing that takes the sting out of a failed cycle. Hugs my friend.

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  28. I am so sorry that this round of IVF did not work. That first day of finding out I was not in fact pregnant for each & every cycle was always the hardest. I didn't want pep talks, I just wanted to be sad, mad, etc. I'm glad you took the time to grieve. I will be thinking about you lots & praying that next month brings good news!

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