Monday, October 20, 2014

Struggling with Uncertainty

I'm not sure what it is about this cycle, but I still just can't get myself into the mindset that I want to be in.  Did I make the right decision to try again so quickly?  I'm not sure.  I have always really hated uncertainty.  I hate not knowing, hell, I hate surprises, so this is tough for me.  Infertility is filled with uncertainty, and I think I've gotten better about accepting that, but not fully. 

When I got home Saturday night I opened up a drawer in the bathroom and saw that I had a pregnancy test still in the box.  It was the second one from a package of two and unfortunately, last cycle, I only needed to use one to tell me that it was negative.  I found myself feeling nervous and really uneasy thinking about that unused test.  Will I test again this cycle?  Well, with an unopened HPT at my disposal, probably.  The other option is to wait for beta as I always had before.  The thought of either option completely scares me.  Why am I putting myself through this?  Why am I risking possibly another failed cycle?  When I think about POAS or waiting for beta, I feel as though I don't want to pick either of those options because I don't want to go through another heartbreak.  I don't want to get the news, have to leave work, have to tell everyone it failed again, and spend the day in bed crying.  It's such a vicious cycle and I want out of.  

I know that this sounds really unlike me, but I can't deny my feelings.  I'm kind of at a loss for words at this point too.  I know I'm probably thinking too far into the future.  Why am I getting upset over something that hasn't even happened yet?  Why am I already planning on what we will do after this cycle fails?  I've touched on this a bit before and, unfortunately, it still seems to be ringing true, and that's that eventually, the negative becomes the expected.  It's the uncertainty of what will happen, and it's the knowing of what's happened in the past that combine into a deadly concoction of negativity and doubt.  What's the antidote for such poisonous thoughts?  I'm not sure.  I thought that it was to train my brain to think differently, but so far that isn't working.  With loads of pregnancy announcements the last few days, (no offense to anyone who's gotten their blessing, I'm overjoyed for you all!!) and a one year anniversary of being treated by my RE and of my lap surgery, plus hormone overload, I think I might just be a little extra sensitive these days.  

So far the injections and the entire cycle has gone OK, all feelings considered.  I've been really focused on the house since we've had a lot going on there.  This last week at work a co-worker that I was close to passed away unexpectedly and we've been trying to wrap our heads around his untimely death.  Being preoccupied is helping, I just wish the circumstances were better.  The days til the next transfer are moving along quickly.  We're already more than halfway through October and I wish life would just slow down a bit.  On Tuesday I have a baseline ultrasound to check my lining already.  I can't believe it's already time for that.  I started up at Curves again last week hoping that some endorphins will help lift my spirits.  Whether I'm mentally ready or not, this next cycle is blowing by and transfer day will be here before we know it.  Here's to hoping for 11/11 to be my lucky day!

here's my bit of humor for today....



21 comments:

  1. Oh girl!! I'm so sorry you are going through all these emotions, but they are all normal! Keep speaking life over your situation and body (Prov 18:21 tells us there is power in our tongue). Praying for you!

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  2. I hear you, it is SO easy for the negative thoughts to take over. You just get used to them. And the extra hormones are NO extra help. Here's to hoping you can find as much peace as possible through this next cycle. And keep occupied with everything else going on, like your awesome new house!

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  3. I know exactly how you feel. After so long and years of waiting and taking those test, just to turn out negative, it's hard to believe that it will ever happen. But we just have to keep fighting!! That's all we can do :) Hugs to you my friend.

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  4. Uncertainty sucks. Hopefully one day it'll turn into joy but until then, I feel ya. Every medicated cycle, all my close family and friends knew I was doing it, so in a way, it put al this extra pressure on it to work within a certain time frame. Having to report back to anyone is almost asinine, you know? Outside of your doctor and your husband, this should all be very personal, until you have REAL news. Take it one day at a time, and have a little Halloween fun in the meantime! November will be here before you know it!!

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  5. I don't think it is bad that you are having these feelings at all. And it is certainly good to acknowledge them and get them out. It's just like cleaning out your fridge. If you don't ever clean it out, eventually it stinks. :)

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  6. I think it's amazing that you've fought off these thoughts and feelings for this long! Pregnancy tests completely terrify me, and thinking about taking one was the worst part of each cycle. I didn't have to do betas, so I would usually just wait for my period (it's harder when you are on PIO shots, I was on suppositories and would still start my period on them). But just the thought of another failed cycle was paralyzing to me.

    It did help me to always have a back up plan and think, "If this cycle doesn't work, we will do such and such." I think it's possible to be positive while also being practical. It doesn't mean you are giving up on this cycle, just planning for your sanity.

    I'm so hopeful that this will be it for you! But if not, you will get pregnant. I know you are nowhere close to the end of the road.

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  7. I hope that over the next few days/weeks you gain more confidence in this cycle and your decisions. I truly believe in positive thinking. I am a POAS addict; yet, I was completely disappointed each and every time. I was even buying tests in bulk on amazon. It will happen for you, in the perfect timing. Lots of thoughts & prayers your way as usual!

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  8. Elena you are so strong and admirable and I cannot commend you enough for sharing this long journey you're going through with the world. You are helping more people than you know and I know one day this is going work out for you. Please keep trying and writing about your experience. One day you will look back at this and smile. More so, you will be able to help and give others hope. Love you girl. I pray for you constantly.

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  9. Uncertainty is so difficult for me - but just keep in mind that it's a journey... Highs and lows - so your feels are completely resonable... Hugs to you! <3

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  10. It's totally normal, and expected to have those feelings and thoughts. I have to be honest, I always struggle with what to say. Simply because I have not been through what you are going through, so how can I give you advice or truly know? I know there isn't really anything I can say that will make you feel better. Just know, you are always on my mind and in my prayers. I can't wait for the day you get your positive!

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  11. These are normal thoughts that I'm sure we all struggle with. Specially when your realize how long you've actually been on this never ending train. Which then i realize I have my days of extreme hope then other days I feel like I came to a hurtful fall. Hang in there Elena, we will achieve our goal to procreate and embrace our miracle with never ending love

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  12. I think it is perfectly normal to feel the way you are feeling. Whenever I read your posts you are a tower of strength and I admire that so much. I feel like the house project is probably a great distraction for you and gives your mind a new outlet. Great job with going back to curves and getting those endorphins. Always sending you great thoughts through this whole process. Hoping that 11/11 is your lucky day.

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  13. My heart will always remember the struggles and pain of uncertainty. I couldnt have written this post better myself. I will say this - I am totally with you: POAS is the most hurtful form of rejection that Ive ever experienced, but I pray that you'll continue to find hope. It's almost shocking to see a BFP but just remember that in due time, God will absolutely (without a single doubt in my mind) fulfill the desires of your heart. I just know that he will. Trust in him. All of this being said, I know from experience too that it doesn't really help with easing the pain. Just know that there are a lot of us praying for you!!!

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  14. Hoping with all my heart that 11/11 is your day! You never forget the wounds caused by infertility and reading your emotions brings me right back to that place. I'm so hopeful you find your strength and your miracle comes soon!!!

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  15. I think this is very understandable, it's hard not to get down sometimes, especially after what you have been through. I hope you find your hope and strength, and of course i hope 11/11 is your day!!

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  16. I'm keeping my fingers and toes crossed for you!!! All your emotions are completely valid!!!

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  17. I know it's a terrible emotional rollercoaster! Please don't lose your hope that you and Joe will one day hold the baby the two of you made together. It will happen! If you don't mind me asking, how long has it been since your laparoscopic surgery? I know endo can grow back but yours was very mild then, right? Girl, my heart is breaking for you and I am praying for your miracle to come sooner, rather than later! Also so sad to hear of your coworker's death. Thinking of you always. Hugs!

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  18. Girl my fingers and toes are crossed for you that 11/11 will be you're lucky day. And so SO sorry to hear about your co-worker. Thank you so much for all the love and prayers you've been sending me lately when you've been going through a lot yourself. You are so sweet! My thought and prayers are with you right now as well! I really hope you get some positive news soon!! xoxoxo

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  19. Oh sugars! I am so sorry you are going through all of these ups and downs. It's not easy to travel down the road of uncertainty but I think you are doing a great job juggling it all. You are so brave, bold, and courageous to keep persevering and not give up on the dreams God has placed in your heart. Keep speaking positive over your situation. Our words have power and can create the house to which we live in. xo

    waitingforbabybird.com

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  20. Not all days can be rainbow and sunshines girl I totally agree but know you have so many people thinking about you and sending you lots of positive vibes and love :)

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  21. I'm so sorry that your feeling uncertain, Elena! I definitely understand why you feel that way! I am still sending positive thoughts and prayers your way!! :) 11/11!

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