Thursday, July 25, 2013

back to my blogging roots

Fair warning, this post is a little lengthy & completely lacks pictures...

The whole reason I started this blogging thing mainly (besides boredom being stuck at home), was because I was laid up for 5 weeks after our motorcycle accident, I was spending entirely too much time on Pinterest & I came across Jessica at  Little Baby Garvin.  I had never read a blog before, but I just loved hers, she is so inspiring.  Seriously, this girl is super creative & fun, I mean Christmas in July Christmas Vacation drinking game?!?  Sign me up!  And being on, what I thought would be a completely different journey to getting pregnant, even after just being in an accident, I liked her idea of documenting her pregnancy. 

My thought process at the time was, name the blog something clever that had to do with what I intended my content to be about.  I tried to stick with the whole conception theme, but after having several disappointing months of not being able to write about anything except the struggle, I decided to give it up.  In March I took a break from blogging.  I used my blog as a way to document some other great things that happened, like our anniversary trip, vacations, etc, but I was heartbroken that I wasn't able to document my weekly “bumpdates” or share pictures a of nursery, and I still have not gotten to be able to do that.  I decided after our cruise that I would try to keep at it again.  I don’t care if anyone reads or follows, but how great will this be years down to road to not only have the pictures, but the memories & the feelings written down?

But, trending now (in my world)…babies.  Hands down, so many people are having babies!  Well yeah, we are at that age, where we get married, or not, & we start families.  My news feed is BLOWN UP with baby pictures, most of the blogs I follow… baby on the way, 2nd baby on the way, or pregnant!  It’s just everywhere.  Why do I torture myself reading blogs about people who are pregnant, when I myself am having a tough time getting pregnant?  I’m not sure, I wouldn't consider it torture I guess, more a hope or a fantasy, a glimmer of what could one day be my life. 

So what’s next?  Well, if I’m not pregnant by my annual checkup on September 3rd, I will be referred by my doc to a fertility specialist.  We have already done a few different things to see where a possible problem could be, but everything we've done came back with “good” results, so the next step is to take it up a notch & see the specialist.  My gut feeling?  Unexplained infertility.  The WORST (in my opinion) type because they “just don’t know” what is causing it.  I am an NEED TO KNOW type of person.  I need to get on Google & research my little heart out & know every fact possible, unexplained is just not going to work for me!  But I honestly believe that’s what I’m going to get.  After all of the research that I've done about other types of infertility issues, I just can’t put myself into any other category but unexplained.  Not that I’m a doctor, but, in my unprofessional opinion, that’s what I would say.

So, all of this is leading up to the idea that I start writing more about this road that we are going to be travelling.  I’m hoping that it makes me be honest with myself and everyone else about my true feelings & emotions throughout the process because this is an emotional roller coaster already & I feel  like I've kept my emotions pretty in check most of the time, but definitely not the entire time.  It’s hard to be strong & put on a strong face when deep down, you really are hurting, & trying to deal with something that you’re not familiar with.  I know nothing about pregnancy or infertility, let alone all of the emotions that were going to come along with either of those things.  Maybe someone will read it and be able to relate, or maybe I can look back & reflect on this part of my life in a couple months or even years from now & hope that I've learned something or made some strides. 

I am thankful that I have a husband who is supportive & we always are sure to let each other know that we’re on the same team, I would hope that any marriage is that way.  Of course there will be disagreements & arguments, but there will be lots of laughs and lots of love too.  As tough as this has been, I’m looking forward to where this road will hopefully lead us. 

Note: After recent events this afternoon, I must add that this has been the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with emotionally in my life, and I've dealt with some really heavy emotional stuff in my past. We can't help how we feel, we are humans & we have emotions.  NO ONE IS PERFECT.  I am not only thankful to my amazing husband, but also my amazing friends who have not hesitated to lend a shoulder to cry on or a martini to drink.  I appreciate it probably more than they will ever know. They have been truly amazing & so supportive.  

Also, for the time being (and because I was asked by a co-worker today if I was pregnant shortly after thinking up this post) I'm going to change the name of this blog.  Like I said in the beginning, I thought that I would be like so many others, slip, fall, & end up pregnant in just a few months & that is not the case at all.  Little did I know... 

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