Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Some Days are just hard

Needed this today...

I’m not sure if it’s the Lupron, the fact that I just stopped BCP and probably have a period coming, or if I’m just getting softer in my older age, but I seem to be finding myself extra sensitive these days. Whatever the reason may be, some days are just hard. You get on Facebook, aka. The Devil, and you see a couple pregnancy announcements a week, you see lots of newborn babies with really cute outfits and adorable little facial expressions. It’s not that you aren’t happy for these people, it just makes you ask yourself that burning question, of when will it be me? Will it ever be me? Although the odds seem to be in our favor, we never really know the answer to that question until it happens.

The honest truth is that we are hurting. Deep down, behind the positivity and the optimism is pain, both physical and emotional. Physical, chronic pain from endometriosis or pain from a PIO shot, emotional pain from another BFN, pain from a miscarriage the financial burden, etc. There is so much pain associated with infertility. The silver lining to this that from the pain comes an amazing amount of strength, strength I never knew that I had. It reminds me of a quote that I get to look at every day thanks to a co-worker who got this for me as a gift… you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have. This is such a true statement not only for infertility but any disease or struggle that anyone faces. I’ve said it before, my TTC sisters are the strongest people I know, and it’s because we have to be.

The last couple days a couple of friends who have just recently began struggling with infertility have come to me with some bad news, a hurdle, a setback, something they weren’t prepared for and it reminded that there is so much unknown on this journey. We never know what’s going on inside of our bodies until we have that ultrasound, is the medication working, do I have a cyst, etc. We never know for sure if we will have enough follicles, or too many follicles, will they fertilize, will DH’s sperm be good, when will this work? So many questions that we sometimes wait weeks to get answers to only to have those answers not be what we wanted. I try to tell those who come to me with questions to remember that this is not the end of their journey, just a bump in the road that we have all had to face many more times than we’ve wanted to. I often find myself trying to remember to take my own advice at times and remember that this isn’t the end for us; it could just be the beginning for all we know. Maybe we’ve just scratched the surface on what’s to come for us. All we can do is keep on keepin on (in the words of Joe Dirt), and never give up this fight.

I know that it’s unusual to see a post like this from me. I am usually positive and upbeat, but I also can’t lie to myself and my readers about the truth of the situation. It’s important to me to document the emotions that I have while going through this. That’s what this blog is about, the truth about my journey to beat infertility. If this is how I am feeling, then I need to share it, write it, and deal with it. I am not trying for pity, I am remembering my blessings and counting them daily, but some days are harder than others and I’m sure that we can all relate to that.

23 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry you're struggling right now. We all have days like this. I'm happy that you're sharing all of it - the good, bad and the ugly. Hoping brighter days are coming your way soon. Hugs!

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  2. I actually deleted facebook for about a year just because I wasn't in the right place emotionally to be on there. Everyone has thoes days - don't beat yourself up, my friend. Praying for your success story! I feel like I need to hear a success story from someone who has gone through infertility. Success gives hope and keeps us all sane. Praying that this time it works. xo!

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    1. I second this! Hearing a success story in this infertility community gives me hope!

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  3. Keep sharing your heart. That's what your readers are here for. Praying extra for you today. <3

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  4. I am very thankful for not having a facebook account for this very reason. I know there certainly are many good things about it but I know for me it would not be good right now. I think we ALL feel this way at some point in this journey. Maybe some feel it less or more than others, but we all go through it. It is a roller coaster of emotions for sure! Add in all the meds and that doesn't help. I know for a fact we are all here for you though!! I feel like it's just a matter of time until you have that little one in your arms :) HUGS!!

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  5. And that is why I don't have Facebook but my sister in law always find a way to mention who's pregnant. Sigh. Staying positive isn't easy. We've all had those moments but I agree must be AF or lupron...I'm on both and I cryfor no reason. Hope you feel better.

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  6. I think you should share whatever is on your mind, positive and upbeat or raw and honest. I am so sorry you are going through this right now and I wish there was something I could do to help. Sending my thoughts and hugs your way xo

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  7. Girl, please know that you are NOT alone and every single person has wonderful days and bad days in the midst of what they are going through. It's totally normal :) I just said a prayer for you! I was just talking to a friend this morning about another friend who struggled with infertility. They tried for 5 years and finally had success with IVF. Then about 3 months after their first baby was born, they found out they were pregnant again on their own! Boy were they shocked! They'd been told it wasn't possible. But God. I know stories of hope, faith and miracles are truly what keep us going with Christian and his healing, so I hope you get a little extra boost from this today sweet girl.

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  8. I totally get it. Sending big hugs and extra prayers your way today!

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  9. So appreciate your honesty!!! That is what community is all about! Even though we have never 'met' you in person, we want to know how you are doing. Praying God's peace over your right now - that despite the pain you are feeling, He catches every tear and replaces it with peace, joy, and hope. Hope in Him can never disappoint. Hugs friend!

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  10. You are such a positive person, so you may need a hard day here or there. I know I feel much better after getting everything out, having a good cry, and a mini pity party! May I suggest lots of. I fort food for dinner tonight! ;-)

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  11. It sucks! It is so hard! It is so hard to be positive and upbeat 24/7, it is literally impossible with the emotional rollercoaster we are on, with or without meds. People say to keep our heads up, because you can't tell someone that if you haven't been through their situation. Wanting to be a mom is the only thing I have ever wanted, and it sounds you are the same. Why is it so hard to get that, I will never know :( So sorry for your struggle girlie!! Express your feelings, it will always help, even just a little.

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  12. Elena posts like this are what make me appreciate blogging. I so appreciate you sharing your real feelings with us. Sometimes I get frustrated when things are all happy words because I know they must have days where things aren't happy. God is holding you and doing so much in you right now and I pray that he restores your hope! Thank you for being honest!

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  13. been following your blog for awhile now - sorry you're having a rough day! Throughout my fertility journey and even now 10 months after my 'miracle' baby the quote that resonates with me is 'the things you can't change in life, end up changing you.' Infertility definitely changed me - some days for the worse, but most days for the better! positive thoughts and prayers for you!

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  14. OH man girl, I'm so with you here. The range of emotions that we go through is SO up and down. Each day is different, and I'm hoping that tomorrow is much better than today. Thinking of you!

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  15. Oh girl I am sorry :( There is nothing wrong with feeling this way, heck I think any human in your situation would. I also deleted people off facebook and blogger who were pregnant after we lost our first baby so I know where you are coming from. Just do what you need to do

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  16. I so appreciate your honesty! It's important to not only share the happy and joyful times, but also the times when we fell low, scared, worried, and fearful. Stay strong and keep believing in miracles. I'm praying for you and this upcoming cycle and trusting and hoping in Psalm 113:9 which says that He settles the barren woman as a happy mother of children. Sending hugs! xo

    waitingforbabybird.com

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  17. Infertility sucks, everything about it is unfair. You're allowed bad days. I admire your strength to share and document everything about your journey. You can do this :)

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  18. Recently found your through ^^ Jennifer...never feel ashamed of showing these feelings. I'm just starting my infertility journey but I know all things are possible.

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  19. I hate the hard days. Reminds me how much infertility really sucks. I love the quote. Just keep reminding yourself that you can't give up and it's all going to be worth it. xoxo

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  20. My heart aches for you when I read this! I love the quote about never knowing how strong you are because I honestly read about your journey and put myself in your shoes and I don't think I would be half as strong as you are! I pray like hell for success to be in your near future. You deserve it more than anything! Keep your head up girl! We all have bad days and there's nothing wrong with being honest with yourself! Sending you hugs! :)

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  21. With anything there will be harder days. With this I'm almost positive that they are all harder days than usual but your positivity is what is best about you and what inspires others who are going through the same thing. I know I don't know you personally but I feel in my heart that when this does happen for you, I will celebrate more than I would for a family member or close friend! haha Keep praying and I will keep sending prayers! Have a better day girl! xoxo

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